I was a brute beast
There are days when you wake up feeling ‘oh God! What’s happening in my life? Am I doing justice to what you’ve called me to? Am I still in your plan? Or have I gotten off at the wrong station??’ These questions can drive you insane in just a couple of minutes.
How do we shut off these voices? Are these voices legit questions put forth by your conscience or are they whispering of the devil only trying to bring you down? The struggle is so real. I was having one of those days. I just couldn’t bring myself to thinking straight. For every answer I had to the question, there was something else bothering me and bogging me down even further. I tried reading from the Bible, prayed about it, listened to music and still it wouldn’t stop.
While I just sat there hoping I’d turn deaf, in the quietness of the day, I was reminded of something I had read a long time ago. The story of Jacob – his dream of ladders and him wrestling with God/Angel of God. The man of promises, Jacob lived a life that saw the coming to pass of great and remarkable events in life. Events that would clearly separate him from his own brother, just because God chose to bless him immensely, for no reason or rhyme that we could ever fathom. But he decided to contribute to God’s plan and tried to make things work in his favour. And thus his struggle began.
I realized I had a Jacob living in me. I simply couldn’t wait and hence the restlessness. As we prod along our lives, holding on to the promises of God and waiting for our eyes to see its fulfillment, we feel it wearing out our very spirit. It does feel like drudgery because we wait expecting the signs to arrive in a certain way. Our heart and mind believes and hopes to see something tangible, the heart wants to believe yet it wants something dramatic maybe. I realized what was happening to me. Here I am waiting for the gift to arrive when everything I had was a gift in itself.
Almost always we wrestle with God in our minds! We push and shove and throw tantrums, when in fact there are angels ascending and descending from the very place we’ve set our foot in to cause life to work in our favor. I am still trying to rest on this assuredness, I don’t think I can master the art of being still. Today I found the answer in the first hour of struggle and I hope to be in a better position soon. I am sure this will repeat itself but I know where to look for answers.
When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy, I was arrogant, a dumb ox in your very presence. I’m still in your presence, but you’ve taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me on, and then you bless me. You’re all I want in heaven! You’re all I want on earth! When my skin sags and my bones get brittle, God is rock-firm and faithful. Look! Those who left you are falling apart! Deserters, they’ll never be heard from again. But I’m in the very presence of God – oh, how refreshing it is! I’ve made Lord God my home. God, I’m telling the world what you do! Psalm 73: 21-28 (MSG)