Sometimes I feel like I’ve drifted away and the voice in my heart that once was so overwhelming has become a faint whisper. It feels like treading on unfamiliar territory. The silence in my heart becomes deafening. Is this loneliness? Maybe! Did I walk away from the path I’m meant to take? I have no clue about it.
The battlefield of the devil is our mind and his choicest weapons are lies. He did fill my mind with worries and doubts and questions from my past: things I thought are done away with. This was a comeback that tore my heart apart. I became helpless against his lies which now seemed so true and I could see myself nodding my head in agreement.
I did everything possible to fight this growing sense of being lost in my mind. I wearied myself with chores, every conversation was a never ending drag. The only thing that kept my sanity was family and good music. The mundane things of life began to take up space in my heart and mind and ballooned up eventually.
No one can come into that space – where the soul cries out loudest, where words fail, where human love ceases to comfort. It needs to be embraced by the Spirit of God to feel alive again. I found my balm of Gilead in the lines of a beautiful song that played on loop in my mind -‘You surround me. You chase me down, You seek me out, How can I be lost when You have called me found?’ This was the strand of hope I was holding on to.
There is no place I could go that the Spirit of God wouldn’t accompany me, whether I ask for it or not. It’s a promise that the ‘faithful One’ made to me the day He formed me. The penetrating gaze of God delves into the very core of the person that I am and keeps me tied to Him no matter what. If He has chosen me, my wandering feet cannot walk away from Him. What His love cancelled on the cross can never be brought up against me. His love comes chasing after me and would stop at nothing to win me over. The knowledge of this over-powering presence hovering over me simply cannot be ignored. Having become the object of attention of this one true love makes everything else simply worthless.
I had to consciously get the thoughts of doubt and fear out of mind. I had to resist it in my mind and God’s mercy and His grace saw me through it. I realised that the minute I decide to fix my thoughts on the redeeming love of God, an unexplained peace floods in and throws into a knot every strand of fear and doubt. The lies that stuck on lost its grip over me yet again. God’s love fills up where the best of human love fails to seep in. People with all their tall claims of love, loyalty, comfort will be a pitiful match against such a love. When the creator of heaven and earth has hemmed you in, along with Him, everything else fades away. ‘You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me’ (Ps139:5).
I am sure that I will be in the same spot again, but I know where to look to get back on my feet.